control freak

I will fully admit that I am a full fledged, card carrying member of the control freak class. And I doubt that there are many people who will be shocked and awed to hear me say this.
But the reality is I recognize it, and I am getting better at recognizing it. And I allow myself from time to time to let things go that I realize I really don't have control over.

However, on some level, i fully believe my own well being should be entirely under my control.
Lately, it hasn't been.

Lets just say I am not the worlds best pro-creator. I saw a specialist for an office consultation last Friday.Not the first and I am sure not the last. That was only 6 days ago. And since then, it has been this whirlwind of activity, including 5 different visits to the lab, 2 ultrasounds, and a zillion pee on a stick tests (including some that were repeated due to user error).....

Needless to say, after receiving a message from a nurse in the office, I called back and had a full blown melt down on one of the nurses to the point I was sobbing so hysterically she had to ask me to repeat myself because she couldn't understand what I was saying. Most definitely not my finest moment....

It is really very difficult to have someone else dictate when and how you will do something that involves your very own body. Without opportunity to ask questions or get answers.

yes, I realize timing is of the essence. and this is where the control freak rears it's ugly head. The timing may be right for the lower half of my body, but what do I do when the timing isn't right in the brain? It causes all sorts of commotion and stress for the control freak. A total of loss of control, if you will. Because, if you want it, you have to do it now. No time for questions. And what if I'm not ready, and when a you are a control freak, there is a level of "it's all about me" that is there. There is no denying that. And like I said, i accept this flaw.

And I know this is entirely my own self conscious, people pleasing issue...but if you say "wait - I'm not ready" then all the 55 doctors and nurses who have seen you recently will say "then why did you just waste our time and yours - call us when you want this for real". And I don't like that either. Because i do want this.

I just want it to be under my control. And clearly, I am starting to realize, that isn't ever going to be the case.